A fork of Rural Dictionary
A variant on the famous "Schrodinger's Cat" thought exercise, which questions the living or dead status of a cat locked in a box with a randomly-released toxic gas.
In a Schrodinger's Crap situation, a form of uncertainty principle is applied to certain types of bowel movements which defy pre-emergence classification. It is impossible to accurately predict their state until after it has emerged, by which point it is too late.
Parameters:
1. Something in your rectum is trying to get out.
2. It will be a solid, or a liquid, or a gas. And no other. (No plasmas, etc.)
3. If its final state is gaseous, you can liberate it with minimal concern.
4. If it is either liquid or solid, it will require further steps for successful disposal.
The paradox lies in the fact that the exact state of a Schrodinger's Crap cannot be accurately deduced before opening the system to observation. But opening the system to observation is fatal to the system's continued existence, as the toxic gas is already released. Followed to its logical extreme, the Schrodinger's Crap theory posits that the contents of the system are ALL OF: a solid, a liquid, and a gas - simultaneously.
(Note: the word "uncertainty" also has the word "taint" in it. Coincidence? I think not.)
HMB: Dude, you're walking funny.
HDT: I can't help it. I feel like I wanna fart, or maybe take a dump. But I can't figure out if I'm going to "gamble and lose". I feel like I'm touching cloth.
APLR: Wait, I have an answer. Your digestive system is entirely described by a single state function, "psi". For every observable, "A", there is a corresponding Hermitian Operator, "A^". The result of measuring "A" must be an eigenvalue of "A^". If such an operator has eigenvalue "a" and corresponding eigenstate "phi", then the probability of measuring "a" is the positive value of ("phi"|"psi") all squared. If the result of a measurement of "A" is "a", then the state of the system changes to the eigenstate "phi". Between measurements, "psi" evolves according to the Time-Dependent Schrodinger Equation.
HMB: ...
HDT: ...
APLR: What this means in layman's terms is that the state of your bowel movement cannot be independently observed without opening the system and releasing toxic gases. You have a Schrodinger's Crap situation.
HDT: ... and now I am touching socks.
When the bathroom smells so bad, you don't know if your roommate forgot to flush but, the only way to find out is to go in there.
"The bathroom has reeked for an hour now, there must be a unflushed deuce in the bowl."
"Then go in there and flush it if you're so sure."
"I don't wanna be the one who opens the door to Schrodinger's Crap!"
The act of taking a dump and quickly closing the lid before you have time to see whether or not it actually flushed away
"at the party I left a Schrodinger's crap"