A fork of Rural Dictionary
The act of deceiving a receptive sexual partner into thinking you're unwrapping and putting on a condom, while in reality you're simply unwrapping and consuming a candy bar. Success depends in large part on your partner's non-visualization of your hands and penis, either by means of a darkened room or sexual positioning (e.g. doggy style), as well as lack of familiarity with the feel of a bare vs. sheathed penis. May be additionally satisfying if you're able to consume the candy bar while actively having bareback intercourse.
"Sarah was drunk and totally DTF last night, but I didn't have any jim hats on hand, so I just turned off the lights and pulled an almond joy." "My blind girlfriend was a virgin before we dated, so I felt pretty comfortable giving her an almond joy without risking an STD." That dude doesn't like to bareback, but he's so high on ecstasy he doesn't even know that the guy behind him just slipped it in almond joy style.
A situation in which a man's testicles might shift to a position that is very uncomfortable and requires adjusting.
Rick totally forgot how deep my car seats were the other day and gave himself an almond joy.
When a guy shits on a girls chest, rubs her tits in it, and then proceeds to clip his toe nails into the feces.
"Hey bob, I gave you're wife an almond joy last night"
a person who is only attractive sometimes.
John Mayer is an almond joy.
The act in which a man lays a dump across a girl's pussy and then proceeds to ejaculate on the excrement.
Dude, I totally gave Suzy an almond joy last night!
the act of using marzipan as sexual lubricant
"I gave my girlfriend the almond joy last night.....my dick feels like it's been through a belt sander"